Why Some People Don’t Want to Breakthrough

Some people are simply scared, meaning they don’t want to breakthrough. They are fearful of what will happen during the process. Men are worried that getting emotional will make them look weak, particularly in front of women. Women, if in a minority, will not want to be vulnerable in a room full of men. For these reasons it is sometimes necessary to handle men and women in separate groups when running retreats.

One person told me that if they started to cry, they might never stop. I asked if they had ever met such a person – one who couldn’t stop crying – of course they hadn’t, but…

Some people want to hold onto the emotion because they mistakenly believe that if they release it, they will lose the memory. This shows up as people remaining in grief after bereavement, rather than focusing on what they loved about the person and remembering that. Always focus on the legacy, not the loss.

Another example of hanging on is the wronged person. Here, the victim hangs on to anger in the vain hope of bringing the perpetrator(s) of the wrong to justice. Righteous anger can be very powerful, but not necessarily for good. The famous Capuchin monkeys in Franz de Waal’s TED talk are a great example of this. Unfortunately, the righteous anger strategy just further punishes the victim.

Although it is relatively rare, there are people who are ‘professional’ victims. This is an acceptance game where, to be special and worthy of attention, a person is uncurable. Nothing works. The person has no desire to be free of their repressed emotions, only to ‘prove’ how special they are. Get sucked in and these people will waste as much of your time as you let them until they force you to concede that you cannot help them.

A variation of the ‘special’ victim game is the egotist, who needs much drama and heroism to be displayed, so special is their particular ailment. They have even trekked through Peru and taken mind-altering substances with Shamans and are still not better!

Breakthrough is not about rescuing victims. Every person needs to take personal responsibility both for themselves, and for making the process work.

One group that genuinely struggles with the breakthrough process is those who have coped with their childhood trauma by anaesthetising their emotions. In minor cases it is possible, through engaging in talking therapy, to reconnect with emotions. Once that connection has been re-established, the person can make the breakthrough work for themselves. I don’t think we yet have a solution for more severe cases, as unfortunately these people simply don’t want to breakthrough.

The overwhelming majority of people are able to make the process work quite easily and feel better with each release they achieve.